Something to rely on

There are two annoying consistencies in my life, I get flat tires on my bike all the time and I'm always covered in fucking glitter.

At least once a month, at least one of my tires goes flat. For the last two weeks my bike tire had a slow leak, so I'd have to carry around my pump everywhere. Last week it started to go flat in between rides, and I didn't have time to get a new tube, so I'd have to pump it up every time I had to go anywhere, like to work, and home from work.  Finally I picked up a new tube over the weekend, went downstairs to fix it yesterday morning, and the front tire was completely flat as well. I think I found the problem this time, the valve was somehow getting pushed to an angle and creating a tear in the tube. The flat tire before that was the exact same story. I don't think the valve is always the problem though. The roads suck here and there's broken glass every ten feet. One time I was walking home from the bar and we stopped in front of a club. While discussing whether we should go in, HISSSSSSS, tire goes completely flat. Just randomly flat. I wasn't even moving. I'm getting quite proficient at changing them, yippee, which could also be the problem. Maybe I just don't know what I'm doing.

The glitter. Jesus. It's always there in various amounts. If I'm lucky it's just a few specks here and there. When I'm unlucky I look like goddamned tinkerbell or [gulp] that vampire from Twilight. A lot of the time I have no idea where it comes from. It's like I'm some fabulous tranny version of Tyler Durden. I do know where the last batch came from. Three weeks ago I got major glitter bombed at a party (because they felt I didn't already have enough glitter on me). A full on handfull right in my hair and face. It's still not all gone and it made for an awkward next day at the gym. And proceeding weeks for that matter.
"Hey Jesse, did you know you're covered in glitter?"
"Why do you have glitter on your face?"
"Oh my god you're so sparkly!"
"Why do you still have glitter all over you? It's been a week."
"Have you tried showering?"
"Don't you clean yourself?"
"Oh! Oh! I found a piece of glitter! Two weeks later."
 For the record, I do shower every day. With soap and water. And scrubbing.

So now that it's finally going away, I'm expecting a glitter cannon to go off in my face any day now. And a flat tire.